Attachment and How it Affects Us

Attachment is a way we adapt in order to survive. As mammals, we thrive in social community, and we don’t do well in isolation. Dr. John Bowlby, considered to be the father of attachment, stated, attachment is “a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” Attachment theory emphasizes a child’s bond with their primary caregivers. When there is an attachment wound, it can affect the child into adulthood and influence their future relationships.

Patterns get established early in life and many times, they begin with attachment wounds that live in the body – not just in the past, but in the present. Dr. Stephen Porges said, “As humans, we are defined by our need to connect and to co-regulate. Human survival is dependent on opportunities to successfully co-regulate with one another; our biological imperative is that our lives are meant to be intertwined with the lives of others.”

Developmental Attachment versus Adult Attachment

When thinking about attachment, there is developmental attachment and adult attachment. Developmental attachment wounds occur based on early life experiences with how the mind, brain, and relationships combined to shape us in a way that informed the internal maps of the world and relationship that our mind makes. These maps can then affect the way we relate to others in adulthood.

Research shows that a person’s developmental attachment style is well established during the first year of life and solidified by 18 months of age. This means that your attachment style had nothing to do with you. You got what you were given from your caregivers. And yes, you can have different attachment styles based on each caregiver. You don’t typically have only one style although one may be primary based on your primary caregiver. This gives us different strategies for survival that are developed that can show up with different people in adulthood.

Attachment Styles

There are four main attachment styles:

1. Secure – This comes from having caregivers who were reliable and responsive. The child felt seen, was soothed when in distress, and had a felt sense of safety. This happens in about 55-65% of the general U.S. population. Those with a secure attachment are comfortable with intimacy, trust, and constructive conflict in adult relationships. They have a healthy sense of who they are as an adult and their value as a person which translates into a secure adult attachment style.
2. Anxious – This is formed when caregivers are inconsistent and/or intrusive. Intrusive in this sense means that the parent gave the baby a set of confusing responses or was afraid when the baby was in distress which showed up in the baby as a feeling of shame and left the baby wondering why the parent wasn’t meeting their needs and was intruding upon them with the parent’s internal stress. This happens in about 10-15% of the general U.S. population. In adulthood, this shows up as a deep fear of abandonment and a constant need for validation in a relationship. This translates into an anxious preoccupied adult attachment style.
3. Avoidant – This stems from caregivers who were emotionally unavailable. The baby is not seen or soothed which leads to the survival strategy of avoidance. Perhaps the caregiver did not respond to the cry or did not understand the meaning of the cry. As a result, the baby learned that the caregiver would not be able to meet their needs and adapted to not needing the caregiver. This happens in about 20% of the general U.S. population. As adults, emotional reliance is seen as weakness, and they avoid intimacy, vulnerability, and dependence on others. This translates into a dismissive avoidant adult attachment style.
4. Disorganized – This comes from the baby experiencing frightening behavior from the caregiver. It is a “fear without resolution” which puts the baby in a biological paradox. One part of the brain says to go away from the terror while another part says to go toward the caregiver. This occurs in about 5-15% of the general U.S. population. As adults, they have a difficult time communicating their needs, regulating their emotions, and rational thinking when under stress. They want intimacy but are deeply fearful of being hurt at the same time. They worry about rejection and abandonment and therefore, have a fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and closeness in relationships. This translates into a fearful avoidant adult attachment style.

So, as you can see, attachment not only affects our brain, but it also affects every relationship in life. (If you want to look at your specific attachment, you can take an attachment quiz here.)

Earned Secure Attachment

The good news is that attachment styles don’t have to define us; they are information we can use to heal and understand ourselves. And when we can make sense of our story and understand what happens inside of us, we can get what is called earned secure attachment. Because even though we got what we got, we aren’t stuck with what we got. When you make sense of your story and get earned secure attachment, you stop the transgenerational passage of the insecure attachment style, and you begin passing on a secure attachment style. This means, not only are you healing you, but you also bring healing to your family, your community, and ultimately, the world.

We Can Help

At Breathe Again Counseling, we understand a lot about attachment and why you may do some of the things you do. It’s not because you are defective, it’s because you learned a way to survive. But now it’s time to update your internal maps and learn new ways that serve you in the present. Most likely, those old patterns (which used to be helpful) are not helpful anymore.

If you want to learn new ways of being in the world based on understanding your story and what happened to you, feel free to reach out here. You can’t think your way to a feeling of safety, you have to learn to feel it in your body. However, that must happen through relational experiences where you feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure. If you’re ready to heal, change, and grow, we’re ready to walk with you on the journey.

References

Bowlby, J. (1997). Attachment and loss. Volume 1: Attachment. London: Pimlico.

Attachment and child development | NSPCC learning. (2021, August 10). https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years.