When Connection is Difficult

Do you find connecting with others difficult? Maybe even draining? If we’re honest, we’ve probably all felt this way at some point about one or more relationships. Take a moment and think about your relationships. Does intimacy make you uncomfortable or do you, perhaps, crave intense closeness? Maybe you’ve heard people describe others as emotionally unavailable or too needy and you question whether or not you might fit into one of these categories.

The truth is our earliest connections or bonds with our parents/caregivers (used interchangeably in this article) shape how we act, think, and feel in our present relationships. The way we learned to attach as a child influences how we navigate intimacy, conflict, and emotional security in our relationships today.

Different Attachment Styles

Let’s breakdown the four different attachment styles based on the work of Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main, and in many ways, John Bowlby:

• Secure Attachment – Children who develop secure attachment generally feel their needs for physical and emotional safety are met. Their caregivers are not only present but attuned to their physical and emotional needs without making the child to feel “bad” in some way. With this secure style, the child feels free to explore knowing they have a secure base to return to and learns how to self-regulate emotions. This can lead to an adult who is comfortable with closeness, trust, and interdependence. They generally have a positive view of themselves, others, and the world.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment – Children who develop an anxious, insecure attachment generally do not receive consistent responses from their parent. The parent may or may not be physically and/or emotionally available. The child may be dismissed by the parent, or the parent may be overly involved. The child never knows which parent will show up.  This leads to confusion within the child which creates an anxious attachment; this learned way of relating can then move into adult relationships. The adult may feel insecure or unworthy and come across as needy but is also fearful of abandonment in the relationship and can require a lot of reassurance.

• Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment – Children who develop an avoidant, insecure attachment style generally are dismissed or rejected in some way by the caregiver, or the parent may be unavailable altogether. This leaves a child isolated and having to navigate his emotional world without support. Sometimes, a child may have figure out how to get some of their physical needs met too. This can also happen when parents are preoccupied by technology/social media/cellphones. Many times, there is an absence of touch, and the child doesn’t feel their parent is there for them. This can lead to an adult who appears to be emotionally unavailable and prides themselves on being independent. They are not comfortable with intimacy and emotions.

• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment – Children who develop an insecure, “disorganized” attachment style generally have caregivers who are the source of their fear and at the same time they are hard-wired to attach to the parent leaving the child in a bind. Many times, those with this style grow up in chaotic environments where communication messages are confusing. Typically, the parent resents the child for having needs or fears the child’s needs. This leads to an adult who does not always know how to respond. They usually have a lot of anxiety and a tendency to avoid relationships. While they crave relationship, they are, at the same time afraid of it and tend to sabotage or pull away from relationships when emotional closeness becomes too much for them. It is also difficult for those with a disorganized attachment style to handle limitations in others.

You Are Not Stuck

Maybe you read these different types of attachments and feel helpless because you couldn’t control what you got in childhood, but the good news is that you are not stuck with what you got. When you do the work of healing and growth, your attachment styles can change. It takes repeated “mismatching experiences” with safe, secure relationships over time to change the way you relate to others. There are many people who have successfully navigated this challenge, and you can too!

The relationships we surround ourselves with continue to shape us. Those who developed a secure attachment style as a child can be “de-formed” by an abusive relationship in adulthood and have to work on regaining a secure attachment. Or maybe you entered adulthood with an insecure attachment style and you’re ready to change.

Things That Can Help You Change

If want to grow in intimacy, trust, and emotional security here are some things you can do. The first is getting into therapy with someone who works with Attachment Theory. Second, learn how to be in the present moment and notice what is happening in your body. Third, seek out ways to grow your emotional intelligence. Dr. Daniel Goleman has a great book you can check out here: Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More Than IQ. Fourth, do the work to heal your past trauma. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is one type of therapy many find helpful. If you’d like to learn more about this type of therapy which is offered at Breathe Again Counseling, this book by the creator of the therapy may be helpful. And last, but not least, get into relationship with people who are safe and supportive. These are people who love you as you are and at the same time encourage you to grow into the person you were made to be.

If you are looking for ways to grow and need support to become who you were made to be, please do not hesitate to reach out to Breathe Again Counseling to see how we might be able to help. Remember, your story matters and you do too!

References

Cloud, H. (2018). Changes that heal: Four practical steps to a happier, healthier you. Zondervan.

Solomon, R. (2024). EMDR therapy treatment for grief and mourning: Transforming the connection to the deceased loved one. Oxford University Press.

Vrtička, P. and Vuilleumier, P. (2012). Neuroscience of human social interactions and adult attachment style. Frontiers. Hum. Neurosci. 6:212. doi:10.3389/fnhum.2012.00212