When Your Child Comes Out as Gay

Are you a conservative Christian parent experiencing the grief of a child who has told you they are gay? Are you looking for help navigating these unchartered rapids?

As a Christian counselor, this is a question that comes up on a regular basis. The child you have loved, supported, and shared your faith with has told you the unthinkable and left you in what feels like sinking sand. You might be bewildered and wonder how this could happen. You might wonder what you did wrong. You might feel shame around your son or daughter being gay. Many times, when kids come out of the closet, parents go into it.

But what if you didn’t do anything wrong? Same-sex attraction has been around since early biblical times. Research suggests that sexual orientation is rarely black and white due to many factors that play a part. This article is not about the theological debate circulating in various communities, but rather thoughts for parents to consider.

Anytime something is taken from you without your permission, it is termed a loss. And when we lose things that matter to us, we enter grief. To move through grief, we must feel our emotions instead of avoiding them. Many times, when we push our feelings away, anxiety grows because our bodies enter a stressed state. To help move through overwhelming feelings, we must feel them.

It’s also helpful to check our thoughts. Life is hard, but checking out the story we are telling ourselves about what has happened can help to reduce the suffering we feel. Our minds tend to fill in missing pieces of information. Sometimes the information isn’t accurate and sometimes, it’s simply not true at all.

Parents who find out their child is gay tend to isolate themselves. They pull away from friends and family fearing their judgment. However, this is a time when parents need to lean into their support systems. Talk it out with someone. When stories swirl in the mind, it’s hard to develop a coherent narrative that moves you forward.

The truth is you are the only parent your child will ever have. You will have to decide if you want to build a relationship with them even if you have different views or if you will put distance in the relationship. You will have to decide if you want to have influence in your child’s life and in the life of their friends.

When children become adults, parents have much less of a say in what their kids choose to do or not do. How can you develop a respectful relationship with your adult child? What might a conversation look like between you?

Sometimes, just the act of being heard and treated respectfully can go a long way in building a relationship. What would it be like to listen to how long your child has been struggling with their sexuality? Ask them what it was like for them. Ask what they need from you as their parent. If they are adults, one thing they don’t need is your permission, but they do need your love. All kids want to know they are loved by their parents – no matter how old. You likely have wanted that from your parents too. You want to be loved for who you are as you are – not for what you do or what you believe.

Love seems to be the guiding principle. Asking, “What does love require of me?” can help you move into a healthy relationship with your child even if you don’t have it all figured out just yet. And perhaps, you won’t ever know all of the answers, but you will still have a choice to make.

Ultimately, you will have to decide how you want to move forward with your child. As parents, we tend to look at the situation from our perspective, but it’s also helpful to look at from theirs too. If you’d like to talk through it in a way where you and your child are honored, feel free to reach out using the contact form by clicking ‘Request Appointment’.

References:
Epstein, R. (2006). Do gays have a choice?. Scientific American Mind, 17(1), 50-57.

Great Conversations. (2023, March 20). Andy Stanley sermons 2023 – New what love requires. [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psvVOQS8HfQ&t=1s

McDonald, L., McDonald, G., & Jusino, B. (2019). Embracing the journey: A Christian parents’ blueprint to loving your LGBTQ child. Christian Book Distributors.