When the Holidays Aren’t Easy

The holidays are all about togetherness, but it’s hard to think about togetherness when someone is missing. But not just anyone – someone you loved and who loved you back. Or perhaps it was someone you loved, and you didn’t receive the love you had hoped to receive which has left you with many complicated feelings.

Many times, you feel broken after you’ve experienced the death of someone you love. It can feel like a part of you is missing. Your entire life has changed, and you don’t recognize some of the pieces anymore. There can be so many changes inside of you and outside of you. You might wonder if you’ll ever feel whole again. Or maybe you wonder if you’ll ever get back to your old self.

Depending on what happened, how it happened, and other experiences you’ve had, that story might play in your mind a lot, a little, or perhaps, it comes and goes. You might notice that if you can distract yourself, you can forget about that broken feeling for a little while. But even though you’re busy, the grief is still there. Your body remembers the life changing things that happened and the parts of your story that are deeply upsetting. Your body holds memories as feelings and sensations.

Feel Your Feelings

Take time to feel your feelings. Feeling your feelings is what allows you to move through them. Stuffing your uncomfortable emotions or pushing them aside will only allow them to grow and come out sideways or in ways that you do not intend or plan for. But remember, no feeling is final. The feelings will change in time, and you will begin to grieve with more love than pain. Unfortunately, you have to go through the dark night of the soul because the only way out is through. It feels awful to even say that, and at the same time, I know that pain and sadness are a part of the grief process. You can’t skip that part. If you love, you will grieve.

Grief brings up so many things, especially around the holidays. And there is no way to anticipate all of the secondary losses we will experience until they happen. Kate Bowler has written a beautiful poem about first holidays, and I think it applies beyond the first year. You can read it here. This poem reminds me of why it is so important to pace yourself with grace.

One of the ways that you engage the process of grief is to give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Name what they are and allow your body to feel it, not to just think it because grief is housed in the body. You can’t think your way to a feeling of peace. You must feel it! This is what helps you to move forward in grief. Feeling your feelings keeps you grounded in reality. It acknowledges the love because that pain you feel is a part of the love. When you love someone intensely, you will grieve intensely.

Permission to do Things Differently

The holidays will never be the same as they were before the death of your loved one, and you wouldn’t want them to be, as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has stated. Just because it won’t be the same, doesn’t mean the holidays will always be awful. Try to let go of the pressure to make the holidays what they once were. No one can take away the memories you have of past holidays. They will always belong to you. Remember those times with love and thankfulness but also give yourself permission to change things up. If you feel like decorating and it lifts your spirits, then by all means do it; but if it’s too hard, allow someone else to do it. You can do less or just the bare minimum, or you can do nothing at all this year.

Community Heals

The most important piece is to stay in community with others. Allow others to witness your grief and to give you support. We heal together. We become stressed when we isolate. Don’t allow death to take any more than it already has. As David Kessler says, there are some things that death can never take away like love, relationship, or the power to take away your hope. Remember—the loss of hope is temporary even when the death is permanent. Keep sharing your story. Keep talking about your loved one. Keep connecting even though you will certainly need time alone too. Pace yourself with grace.

Conclusion

I know it can be difficult to hold onto hope especially when you are newly bereaved. If this is you, allow your closest friends and family to hold hope for you until you can find it again. The truth is we have to hold hope for one another! Support one another by giving words to pain. Listen without judgment or advice-giving. Say your loved one’s name and share your most favorite memories with one another and with your family. But whatever you do, don’t stuff down your emotions or be afraid to say their name. Don’t allow grief to get stuck in your throat or swallow it down. Push it up and out. Allow it to be whatever it is. Don’t keep your grief to yourself, although you will need some time alone. Remember, grief shared is sorrow divided, and connection allows the joys of life to be multiplied.

May you find peace in whatever you decide this season and take time to care for your needs.