When Prevention Hinders Grief

September is Suicide Prevention Month. According to the National Alliance on Mental Health, it is “a time to raise awareness of this stigmatized and often, taboo topic.” Prevention of suicide is a great thing. However, once suicide has occurred in your life, the prevention of suicide can be problematic when you are in a postvention space according to grief expert, David Kessler. (You can read more about prevention versus postvention here.)

If you have lost a loved one to suicide, I am so sorry! My life too has been touched by suicide with family and friends several times and it’s awful each time. I speak from experience when I say do what you need to do to take care of yourself if you have had a loved one die by suicide. Find your supportive people who don’t see you as a problem to be fixed so that their discomfort can be eased. This is a time that you must figure out how to care well for you (and your minor children, if applicable).

You’ll see a lot of information about suicide in the month of September – the warning signs and how to prevent it. Even though these are good things when you are in a place of being able to prevent suicide, it can create guilt and a false sense of control when you are on the other side of suicide walking among the ashes of what was.

Normal Feelings

When you hear about all the things that can be done to prevent suicide, you may ingest another heaping tablespoon of guilt. And then maybe another, and one more for good measure. It’s a way you seek to find a sense of control because feeling helpless feels even worse.

It’s quite common for suicide survivors to struggle with “feelings of sadness, regret, rejection, guilt, disconnection, shame, and stress that can last for years, sometimes never being fully resolved (Dutra, et al., 2018).” Some studies suggest that 10-20% of suicide survivors develop complicated grief, but overvaluing your responsibility can increase feelings of guilt (Madeira & Miranda, 2021).

The truth is we can’t always stop someone from doing the things they do. Even in psychiatric hospitals with many precautions taken, people can still, unfortunately, die by suicide. What if there really wasn’t anything you could have done?

Anger

For many, this produces anger because we want someone to blame and direct that anger toward. It’s ok to be angry! And you don’t have to direct it at anyone. You can be angry because it happened. It wasn’t the way you saw your life – or your loved one’s life – going.

One thing I have learned from my teacher, David Kessler, is that anger is pain’s bodyguard. They are two sides of the same coin. Work through the anger. Ask the why questions. And when you don’t get the answers you are looking for, try turning over the coin and excavating the sadness and the pure grief of missing them. This is what will help you to move through your grief in a way that transforms it from painfully crushing to remembering with love and gratitude for the person who got to be a part of your life.

Suicide doesn’t define your loved one! Who they were defines them. They were amazing people who made your life better, richer, and fuller for having known them even though sometimes they may have frustrated you. Frustration is a normal part of relationships. Friend, death is an awful reality in life, and I’m not sure we will ever fully understand it.

Things You Can Do

So, what can you do during this devastating time? Surround yourself with your safe people. Take time to be with those you love. Take time to care for yourself. Allow others to care for you too. Get grief counseling from a therapist or coach who specializes in grief.

Remember, sometimes, friends and family relationships change after a death. Give them the space they need so that when grief transforms, you can reconnect to them in healthy ways without regret if you choose to. And keep getting to the pure grief of missing your person without taking on responsibility for what you could not be responsible for. Continuing to berate yourself for what you thought you could’ve or shouldn’t have done is a barrier to moving forward. You are in the space of learning to grow around your grief – how to do it and who to surround yourself with.

Support

If you are looking for an online grief group, please check out Tender Hearts. On Mondays, there are specific loss groups, one of them being dedicated to those who have lost loved ones to death by suicide where those with a similar experience come together and share their loss. This may or may not be something you are ready for but take time to notice what you need and look at the choices that are before you as you keep taking one step at a time.

Dutra, K.; Preis, L.; Caetano, J.; Santos, J.; Lessa, G. Experiencing suicide in the family: From mourning to the quest for overcoming. Rev. Bras. Enferm. 2018, 71 (Suppl. 5), 2146–2153.

Madeira, L., & Miranda, A. T. (2021). A narrative review of suicide: aiming at a more encompassing understanding. Philosophies, 6(3), 74.