What’s Your Story?

When we experience grief and/or trauma, it seems that there is a story that goes along with the facts of our experience. For example, when we experience the death of a loved one, we have the facts of the story that tell us that they had heart complications that led to their death. However, the story we might tell ourselves is that we are somehow responsible for our loved one’s death. This happens because we want control over our stories. It seems that the brain would rather feel blame instead of helplessness. And we tend to fill in gaps of missing information.

The truth is that some things are simply out of our control. Usually, when I say this in a therapy session, I get, “Yeah, but in this case…”. We usually think our circumstances somehow warrant us being responsible. However, the truth is that people die whether we are trying to control for it or not.

Three Lanes

One of my teachers, David Kessler, says that we must not only know our lanes, but we also have to stay in them if we want to minimize our suffering. He says, “There are three lanes: my lane, others lane, and God’s lane.

My lane is how I show up, who I am, what’s going on with me, what I say, do and feel. These are the things we have control over. As much as we would like to control others, the truth is we can only control ourselves – and I know personally how much work that is!

Others lane is what they do, who they are, how they show up, what they say, do, and feel. This is the part that others have control over.

And finally, there is God’s lane. This covers natural and spiritual phenomena. When people die, this ultimately falls into God’s lane.

When we can stay in our lane, we tend to be more centered and happier. It’s when we cross into another’s lane that we abandon ourselves and take on someone else’s problems.

Where do you find yourself today? Are you focused on your lane or are you focused on what you have no control over?

When we stay in our lane, this is where we can examine the facts and begin to change the story we are telling ourselves, thereby changing our emotions and ultimately our behaviors. This is crucial if we want to experience posttraumatic growth!

When You Worry

Many times, we get stuck in worrying after someone we love dies, because we wonder what will happen next and who it might happen to, but worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair – it keeps you moving, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. It doesn’t help! If you’ve rocked in a wooden rocking chair, you know that not only do you not move forward, but you usually move backwards. Friend, worrying will not stop death – it stops life. Change begins when we can accept that we do not have the control that we want to have.

What You Can Do

So, what is the best thing you can do?

First, examine the story you are telling yourself. Is it true? What evidence do you have to support it? Do others see it the same way or is there another way to look at it? If it is true, what does that mean? It’s probably best to sort this out with a coach or counselor so that you don’t build on the story that you’ve been telling yourself without having input from others.

Second, focus on being present – with yourself and with others. The sad truth is that we are all going to die one day, and we can have so much fear around that. But what if you stopped focusing on the fear and started focusing on the present moment and how you show up in that moment?

Remember, fear stops life; it doesn’t stop death. The only thing you really have control over is you. If that’s the case, think about how do you want to show up for those people in your life that you care so much about? I imagine that you want to know that you showed up for them. That you connected with them. That you built a relationship you both loved.

It’s not about building a perfect life (you’ve probably heard about living a life with no regrets), that’s not possible. But it is possible to build a life that is filled with grace for yourself and for others. And if you read this and realize that you didn’t show up the way you wanted to for your loved who died, make a living amends by showing up for others in the way that you wish you would have shown up. It’s never too late to be in the becoming process – becoming the person that you are at peace with, knowing that you showed up and loved well.

If you need help with processing your grief story, you can download the free resource, “Navigating Grief: Beginning to Write Your Grief Story.”