ABC’s of Holiday Grief

If you’ve experienced the death of someone you love, it’s completely normal to have thoughts around wanting to skip the holidays. Except then it’s a new year…another year without them. “Do the grief activators ever stop?” – you may ask. When life is filled with memories and traditions, almost anything can activate your grief. It seems that the holidays intensify the grief that you already feel which can be brutal at times. So, what are some things that may help you navigate this holiday season?

ACCEPTANCE

Accept the feelings that come up. You may be tempted to stuff your feelings, but that will only cause them to grow and come out sideways at people you don’t intend to hurt. It’s kind of like trying to push a beach ball under water. You push it down, you push it down some more, and you give it another push until it flies up as if it has rocket fuel inside. This can bring on guilt, shame, and/or embarrassment. However, the truth is you are grieving. And grieving is not a sign of weakness…it is a sign of love. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. The more complicated the relationship, the more complicated the grief. Whatever your story entails, grief is always about love. And that is nothing to be ashamed about. But it does require you to feel your feelings in order to move through it. (Note, I did not say move on from it. You do not get over grief, you learn how to move forward with it.) As you move through the grief, you begin to grieve with more love than pain a little bit at a time.

BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries for yourself during the holiday season can help you to set limits and honor your grief. Boundaries are not for other people; they are specifically for you. They help you to show up in the way that you want to show up. They remind you of what is important to you. Maybe you want to create a new tradition while letting other ones go. Boundaries allow you to give your grief time before other holiday events and they allow you to say no—even to good things. Because saying no to good things allows you to say yes to the best things. Yes, these may be things that others don’t understand, but you know what is important to you. Boundaries help you set aside time for taking care of yourself. They help you to acknowledge that you may not have as much energy this year as you have had in the past…and that’s ok. Grief can be exhausting…and boundaries can help you to honor yourself by setting aside time to care well for yourself.

COMPASSION

Experiencing grief requires compassion for others and compassion for yourself. When others say things that are not helpful, compassion understands that they have not experienced grief…yet. It also recognizes that the other person may not have had ill-intentions (even though it is still hurtful).  Be cautious of not making up a story in your head to fill in missing pieces of information. And self-compassion talks to the self in the same way you would speak to a friend who experienced something similar. If you had a friend who experienced the death of a loved one, would you berate him for not doing certain things? Of course not! When you catch yourself talking unkindly to yourself (yes, self-talk is completely normal), acknowledge it and turn it around in a way that is kind, accepting of your humanity, and is mindful of your pain as Dr. Kristin Neff states. You can read more about the three elements of self-compassion here.

Friend let’s face it – the holidays can be hard. You can be filled with so much hope, and at the same time, you can experience so much sadness. As I’ve stated previously, the missing seems to be the hardest part of grief. You can know so many things in your head, but the longest distance in the world seems to be from the head to the heart. And then there are the body sensations—some are attached to explicit memories (the conscious ones), and some are attached to implicit memories (the unconscious ones). The body always remembers even when the mind does not. (You can read more about body memories here.) There can be so many things activate grief, and we are not always aware of what they are. This is why grace and compassion are so important. So, this holiday season take some time beforehand to decide what is important for you. Let your closest friends and family know that you might make plans, but you reserve the right to cancel at the last minute depending on how you are feeling. Make this holiday season one that honors your loved as well as one that honors your grief.