When You Feel Afraid to Grieve

Grief is a normal response to loss; but sometimes, it is a terrifying thought to think about giving space to what you are feeling. If this is you, grief help is available in Greensboro. The truth is it can be scary to think about feeling those things that are very uncomfortable such as the loss of a loved one or past trauma. Who wants to feel pain and sit around and cry?

But even though it sounds counter-intuitive, entering the grief process is what allows us to move through the intensity of the feelings as we engage in grief work. And let me give you my definition of grief work – the process of naming and feeling your emotions, and inviting the support of safe, loving people, so that eventually you can come to a place of peaceful acceptance of that which was lost. It doesn’t mean that losing the person or thing will ever be good, but it does mean that the loss no longer controls your every thought, feeling, and/or decisions.

Sometimes, we do not feel safe enough to grieve. When we enter the grief process, we enter into a time of vulnerability, and we have to feel safe and protected when we enter into that vulnerable state. This means that you may have to limit your time around people who are critical or dismissive of your experience because this is a time for self-care.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have said in their book, How People Grow, that “grief is a letting down and a letting go. And we cannot let down and let go if we are not being held up. If there is not enough love to sustain us, both inside and out, then we cannot let go of anything, even something bad.”

We need people who can support us and hold us up emotionally when we grieve, and if we don’t have that support, we won’t feel safe enough to fully grieve. We all need structure and support as we go through the grief process. We need help because loss from death and trauma is too much for us to carry alone, and we are hard-wired for connection with safe others. We don’t thrive when we are isolated, as healing cannot occur in a vacuum. Healing happens in community with supportive people.

If you are feeling anxious, that is perfectly normal. When we lose our attachments, it feels like a threat and your nervous system reminds you of how important your loved one was and is. You don’t know what it’s like to be without them, and it takes time and many experiences for your brain to begin to predict life without them. Unfortunately, this is a painful, and yet, necessary process after losing someone you love.

If you are feeling numb, your nervous system is probably in a shutdown state. For some reason, your body does not feel safe enough to begin the grief process yet. Working with a trained therapist who has had specific training in grief and loss can be helpful on your healing journey. (And for clarity, healing does not equate to being healed.) Remember, grief is not a problem to be solved. It a process that must be engaged.

If you are looking for help as you go through the grief process, reach out to Breathe Again Counseling here. Or get into a support group. Grief doesn’t need a lot of time, but it does need dedicated time. Groups and personal therapy help to provide a time and space for grieving and processing where you can begin to weave the loss into your life in a way that doesn’t cause you continual distress.